drifting

I've been out of work for six months! The first month, I enjoyed the 'vacation'. The next, I really wasn't worried about work.  The third month, I started looking around and polishing up my resume. The fourth month, I was considering other careers. The fifth month, the moment a good friend asked if I could accompany her on her drive to Stockton, I packed my bags and left. So the second week of November, I set out on this road trip to North California but I never got there... the funny thing is I'm still in California-- South California. This wasn't part of the plan. Come to think if it, I didn't have a plan. In fact, I don't even know where I'm going to be in a week. So here I am on my sixth month, still in search of a job... but starting to feel a little frantic about the state of affairs...

crystal by muddy

oozing,

     flowing,

          running down.

words

     keep sprouting

                all around.

clearing

     muddy creeks

              long brown.

making 

     things

           crystal

                    &

                    sound.

(written 2003, after reading a mighty long email from a good friend.)

FILLED

Empty
Feeling nothing
Worthless
Feeling down
The enemy snickers

Victorious
Feeling high
Filled with good things
Feeling blessed
The Lord smiles

Half a Year

Six months ago, something inside of me seemed to have stopped when my Mom died. I got the news via the phone... my sister (who was at the other end of the line) said Mom passed out & could not be revived... that she wasn't breathing... I kept asking her if that was true... I  just could not wrap my mind around the idea that my mom, the woman who never seem to get tired or sick, the one who hardly complains, or seem to even think of herself... that woman --superwoman-- is dead & gone! Oh no! The world is in big trouble--who is going to take her place? Who is going to protect us from people who want to take advantage of us? Who is going to help us stay on track? Who is going to laugh at my jokes? Who is going to be my number one encourager? I guess, it's time to pick up the slack & continue what she started... but I don't think I'm ready just yet... I wish Mom was here... (Mom, I miss you, I don't know what to do. I wish I had a clue on how not to stay so blue. I wish I knew much much more about you...)

Now Is Not Forever

Now is but a breath,
Now is but a vapor,
For when we see him face-to-face,
All these pain will be nothing major!

FOR NOW

I'd rather be
in the wilderness by myself,
But for now
I'm staying in the city
in the midst of the crowd.
....quiet moonlit nights.
I'd rather be
sitting on top of a rock,
basking in the sun,
but for now
I'm sitting on this cushy chair
away from UV rays.
...cold refreshing water from the lake.
I'd rather be
sleeping under a canopy of stars
but for now
I'm laying on this soft cloud-like bed
Inside a climate controlled environment.
...fresh clean mountain air.
I'd rather be...

sometimes

sometimes
the truth hurts,
sometimes
it feels like an open wound,
(that does not want to heal)
sometimes
it slows life down (stops?)
it takes time to process,
sometimes...
but life goes on... so must we...
it grows and flows
where we don't expect it to,
we have to move on...
although
I can't seem to...
for now...
I'm standing still